Not Me
by Ashkelives
Summary: Ed thinks he know what the problem is, Roy knows he doesn't...he knows he is not the substitute and perhaps it is time to say so. Angst n stuff, RoyEd


_**A Fan Fic! (okay, a crappy one, though, bleh)**_

Okay, I wrote this down, and as I was typing it, it sorta...changed, lol. It is pretty crappy, but you are forewarned, so deal with it.

And there are curse words. Oooohh, curse words...so evil...

Not Me

The door latched shut with a click behind him. He didn't even have to touch it. It had always just managed to swing itself shut.

When was the first time he had noticed that? And what made that tiny detail about Roy Mustang's office stand out so sharp at the moment?

He looked down at the floor, sliding his hands into his pockets and taking a few steps further into the room. Ah, he could hear a small scratching noise coming from the desk. The scratch of a pen on paper. Or maybe it was a pencil? What did it matter, anyway? He shook his head softly, as though all these random thoughts cluttering his mind would slide out with the motion. All he managed to do was invite a few strands of golden hair to hang in front of his eye. Shrugging his shoulders he sighed.

There's no way for me to get out of this, is there?

Slowly he lifted his head to look at the desk. There his lover sat, uncharecteristically hunched over paper work, black hair obscuring his dark eyes as he scribbled away. Edward let his eyes run over him as his hands had done so often, taking in every tiny detail. Look at the way he held his mouth, lips slightly parted so that you could just see the soft pink tongue resting against the teeth. Those lips were soft, Edward knew that. Unbelievably soft. . .

The scribbling stopped.

With the room quiet, Edward could hear his lover's every breath, soft and paced. With every exhale, the black hair obscuring his eyes lifted ever so slightly. Had Ed ever noticed the way the shines in that dark hair seemed to flow before?

"Yes, Edward?"

That voice. The voice that had more power over him than anything else in the world. Anything. The voice that always managed to slip its way into Edward Elric's core and wrap its long slender fingers around his heart.

God, please don't let those fingers squeeze. . .

With a sigh, Roy Mustang lifted his head to meet the golden eyes of the boy he loved, the only person who had ever inspired so much fiery passion in him, so much love. . .and so much hate.

"There is a reason you are here, right?"

"No, no reason really. I just wanted to make sure you were still alive. I mean, hell, when someone leaves his bed in the middle of the night, it usually means there's some sort of emergency, right?" Ed said in a dangerously soft tone of voice, crossing his arms over his chest.

Mustang smiled, trying to look unconcerned.

"Why, yes, Edward, it does." He said in a bored tone. "But I didn't leave my bed, I left yours. Or can you not tell the difference anymore?"

"How could I tell the difference, Colonel? They all feel the same when you wake up alone."

Ed felt his face flush as he clenched his teeth. How many mornings had it been now, how many weeks? Opening his eyes, praying that this time the heat from the night before would still be there. Groping out with his fingertips into the chill air, hoping that they would somehow find the warm skin that they had only caressed a few hours before. Until finally, he would just give up, rolling over and burying his face in the pillow where Roy Mustang's scent still lingered. But although the body indentation was still there, the sheets had long gone cold. Eventually, the pillow wouldn't smell like his lover anymore. Eventually, the pillow would only smell of the salt in Edward Elric's tears.

Mustang sighed, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms behind his head.

"What do you want me to do, Ed? 'Cuddle'? Wake you up one morning and surprise you with breakfast in bed?"

Ed rolled his eyes, clicking his tongue.

"You know, Roy, I just- I don't- I just don't know what to do with you."

On the inside, Roy Mustang felt a tear in his heart at the look on Ed's face. On the inside, Roy Mustang wanted to rush to the younger man and take cradle him in his arms.

On the outside, Roy Mustang laughed.

"You don't know what to do with me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Ed glared at the Colonel's sarcastic grin. This is what he had dreaded.

The hand around his heart was no longer retracting its claws.

"Tell me, Roy," He said quietly, his voice shaking slightly, turning his head to look out of the window. Man, it sure was bright out there. "Tell me again all those things you whisper into my ear every night. Tell me this isn't just another lie."

He turned his gaze back to the older man, pupils narrow and voice rising.

"Tell me that you love me. Tell me that you'll always be there for me no matter what! No matter when! Whenever I need you!"

Roy Mustang felt the smile drop off of his face as his own eyes narrowed.

"You know, Fullmetal, I think I'll pass. Instead, why don't you tell me something. How about you tell me what you really see me as?"

Ed arched an eyebrow, tilting his head slightly.

"What I see you as? What I see you as? At this moment, Colonel? Because at this moment, Roy Mustang, I see you as a lying sack of shit!"

Edward clenched his fists, trying his best not to yell.

Mustang rolled his eyes at the insult.

"You know what I mean, Ed."

"You're never there!" Ed went on. "And even when you are there, you're not! Never!"

Edward's eyes were now becoming bloodshot.

"Whenever I have a problem, you sit there-and-and you act like you're listening, but you're not! You just brush off everything I say! Like it means nothing at all to you! It's like you have no-"

"I am NOT your FATHER, EDWARD ELRIC!"

Roy Mustang stood so fast that his chair toppled over into the wall behind him, but the noise was nothing compared to the impact of his fist upon the desk.

"I am not your FATHER, and you CANNOT expect me to fill that void for you! I REFUSE to do it!"

Edward flinched as though the man had dealt him a physical blow.

One of the many tears he was struggling to hold back managed to find it's way over his cheek and down to his arm. He couldn't feel it though. He hadn't felt anything with that arm for a long time.

"Do you honestly expect me to sit complacently and listen to you WHINE? Dammit, Ed, I LOVE you! I love you, and I HATE you for it! I try so hard to keep you from wallowing in your own self-hatred! And it rips me apart inside more that you could ever know! And here you sit and say that I don't listen to YOU? How dare you!"

Roy Mustang felt the hot sting of tears on his cheeks as he pointed accusingly at the small boy.

"I hear every goddamm word that you say! Heaven forbid if I don't conform to your ideal vision of a man and cater to your every whim!"

He reached up quickly and tried to brush the tears away, but his attempt was futile.

"Do you know why I am not there for you, Ed? DO you? It's because you won't LET me be there, damn you! You won't let me be there for you, Edward Elric, because the real me is not what you really want!"

Ed stared at him blankly, eyes wide, mouth slightly open. Tears slowly made their ways from his eyes to stain his cheeks.

"You're. . .right." He choked feebly.

Silence rang louder than any yell could have throughout that room. It echoed in every nook and cranny.

It's a curious feeling, to have one's heart break. It feels as though your stomach has swallowed itself, as though your whole mind has just imploded, as though everything that has ever made you smile has slipped into an irretrievable abyss. But, most of all, it feels indescribable.

In that silence, two hearts were not only broken, they were shattered.

Slowly, Roy Mustang sunk to the floor behind his desk, pulling his knees to his chest. He stared at the wall for a moment before burying his head in his hands and letting the tears come, letting the sobs rack his body, shivering.

Edward Elric felt frozen in place as he watched his former lover slowly disappear behind his desk. His arms hung limply at his sides as tears rushed down over his face. Feeling as though he had no control of his body, he bit his lip and turned on his heel, making his way to the door.

The door latched with a click behind him. He didn't even have to touch it. It had always just managed to swing itself shut.

The End

Yeah, it's crappy, I know. Crappy slightly angsty fluff. yippee.

I'll do a better one some other time when I am more awake. yawn

when I am more awake. yawn


End file.
